boy you’re trippping so pull yourself together

Sometimes I don’t know what to think anymore. A part of me thinks that I’m actually really fucked up in the head. But then, I’m like. No. I have reasons to feel this way. And people who know me know I only have the best intentions.

Yes. Three posts within in 24 hours. I am all about the extremes?

There’s been so much emotional and whatever drama in the past month that I just want to hide in my room and just sleep away the days, weeks, months, years… I don’t have any motivation it seems like. AND I DON’T KNOW WHY. It’s my senior year; I’m supposed to be on top of my game.

I’m actually sitting on my bed back in New Jersey. It was nice, except there’s nothing like having your parents tell you how much of a fuck you are. So yes I lost my BlackBerry. Yes, I’ve lost three cell phones. I’m careless. I think I just have too much to think about, too much going on in my brain, too many people that I constantly talk to… that my mind just gets frazzled and I lose sight of (say) where my cell is. It’s weird? But don’t tell me that I still have the mindset of a 16 year old.

Because I’m not half as bad as I was when I was 16.

Serena deferred a year/semester from Brown to find herself in Gossip Girl. But what exactly does that mean? Finding what you like, and what you want to do, and what you’ll “settle for?” Is it all about accepting what you’ll be happy with. You know, the bottom line? If not, it’s how I see it.

Something spawning from: “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I think attending Lehigh let me meet so many people that I wouldn’t have otherwise. They were different. And I think that I have such high expectations of people that when they fall short, I get so frustrated and just think that they’re doing wrong. Or, I just still have no idea who I am and what I really enjoy. You know, I never really cared about baseball or even the taste of beer. But honestly, I think I’m just kidding myself. I’m not myself at all. I’m really a girly girl who likes to go out to eat, get spas, party until 5 a.m. and just laugh and go to concerts or just hang out in my bedroom and listen to music with someone. How do you stay sane. I think I sacrificed my happiness for others. Maybe I’m just fake or maybe I’m growing up and expanding my horizons?

Maybe I’m just insecure as fuck.

I don’t think I’m spoiled because I see others and think they’re selfish and such, but I’m sure others think I’m a spoiled brat. Which, I guess is true. I like to have the control. (Another reason why when I don’t, I feel like I’m falling and become a mess.

Who knows? I’m going to watch a movie and pass out.

get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now

So I went to Vegas this past weekend. And let me say, it was fantastic! I went with Lindsay and Katherine to celebrate Allison’s belated 21st birthday. We stayed at a pretty sweet baby suite in the Pallazo, partied at Lavo and XS, saw The Beatles “LOVE” Cirque du Soleil at the Mirage, and legit played Texas Hold’em at a table against old men (AND WON MONEY)!! However, unfortunately, I managed to lose my BlackBerry on Sunday. But, other than that… it was amazing and well, let’s just have pictures do the talking!

i could spend my life good will hunting

I have too much on my plate right now. And I’m home right now so I figured I’ll finish what I started earlier. Here’s some more fantastic looks from the Spring 2009 RTW runway. Makes me wish it was summer! Don’t forget to check my first post!

ALEXANDER WANG, PETER SOM

L-R: Lakshmi Menon, Anja Rubik, Lily Donaldson, Anja Rubik, Lakshmi Menon. All photos courtesy of Style.com.

I really don’t think there’s anything stopping Mr. Wang. Everything he makes is fucking brilliant and well, his usage of colors still managed to follow his original plan of maintaining the hot, edgy and definately rocker chic. His imaginary muse was “a sexy, devil-may-care sort who would play basketball in a dress.” On a different level, Peter Som saw his woman “staggering around the desert, being revived at an oasis, watching the sunset, and then meeting her Moroccan lover.” Sexy with a romantic feel, his outfits worked from safari to South Hampton.

MARC BY MARC JACOBS

L-R: Abbey Lee, Anya Kazakova, Simona McIntyre, Masha Tyeina. All photos courtesy of Style.com.

Marc Jacob’s sister line was all of fun, flirty fun. It wasn’t about the extravegant or the impractical, but rather the use of simple cuts and bright and bold patterns really will reach the younger market. I love the prints and the colors and would actually wear this!

MULBERRY

L-R: Kori Richardson, Maria Babikova, Magalie Daignault, Maria Babikova. All photos courtesy of Style.com.

A handbag house, Mulberry seems to be killing it this spring season. Emma Hill, the creative director, said the collection was for a “girlfriend.” She continues, “I think we’re [Mulberry] warm and fuzzy. Not standoffish.” Dresses were short, cute, and full skirted and paired with fantastic cropped jackets. What I love about Mulberry handbags is the rich, bold colors… which was definitely reflected in its clothes.

eventually my mouth will just turn to dust

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother spending $30 on sushi when I’m going to puke it all up when I get back home. It’s an reoccurring event–I’ll go to dinner with my friends, bring wine, and proceed to get drunk. Friday was no exception. Now, let me just that I’ve never blacked out. And most people find it absolutely ridiculous that I haven’t (since I’m SUCH a party girl and all… except not), but yeah. Never have.

I think it’s because I’m terrified of what I would do or what would happen to me. And, I don’t trust anyone anyways… so I’d think that I’d be left in a ditch somewhere. I know it’s a horrible thing to say, but like, honestly, you NEVER know. People are always different when they’re drunk and you just can never know what someone will or won’t do.

But, I don’t even want to go into this. I had a fucking blast. It was awesome. Then I realized that “normal” people probably think I’m ridiculous and don’t think that I’m “so COOL” for being a drunk mess. But, it’s just like the people who like you will still like you no matter what. So why try to change yourself to what you think someone will like? …or something significant like that?

“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.” – Juno

Who knows?

I’m not elegant with words anymore. I think my spirit has been crushed.

Oh, and I’m not sure whether I’ll regret this yet. But, I think I have to mention it somehow. I didn’t go to Lehigh’s Fall Career Fair. Mistake on my part? I’m a senior. Check. I need a job. Check. Probably fucked myself, but honestly, I don’t want to work at any of the companies there…

it’s going well so far she’s gonna get her way

I know you guys missed me. And, to be perfectly, I missed me too. I think I was just fucking overworked. I don’t even think that’s the right word. I worked every day minus like maybe four to five days this summer and if I wasn’t working I was ALWAYS on some agenda. Interning at Bergdorf Goodman was amazing–I’ll make a separate post about that–and my summer was legit ridiculous. I managed to attempt to keep up with my Tumblr and started this blog and it was like I was on Cloud 9. You know, working in the city, playing in the city, meeting new people, and having a fucking great time.

Except that four weeks into Lehigh I realized that I’ve been feeling the side-effects of being burnt out since I’ve arrived at Bethlehem, PA. I just haven’t put a word to it. I’m basically useless… can’t get myself to blog or update my Tumblr, and just want to drink constantly and get wasted so I don’t have to think about my problems and all my insecurities. It was fine for the first two weeks, but now I’m just a dumb sorority girl who might be just abusing alcohol.

But, who isn’t?

Call it running away from my problems.

I don’t even know what to think. I’m a good person. Sure, I’m a bitch, but what’s the bottom line of dealing with shit and constantly feeling awful about yourself? Maybe Oprah was right in how girls always feel the need to try to change people and fix situations. Maybe I just want the power that it brings and the satisfaction. It just doesn’t make sense to me anymore.

Are friendships/relationships always this fucking hard?

who else am i gonna lean on when times get rough

I know for sure that no one reads this. I’ve been awful at posting. I actually started writing two posts since my last post, but saved them as drafts because I was just like. BLAH. I’m at Lehigh. Still adjusting to everything. I’ve had a horrible week.

I’ll start doing this right.

Promise.

Until then. Home and NYC on Thursday.

Need to get away.

want to be an extra in the ’sex and the city’ sequel

Open casting call seeking “fashion models, celebrity types, upscale socialites, fashionistas, urban club goers, gays and lesbians, international types (Middle Eastern, Arabic, Asian, European, British), and professional soccer players.”

When: Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Where: Metropolitan Pavilion at 125 West 18th Street between 6th and 7th Avenues
SAG members: 10 a.m. – 12:30 p.m.
Non SAG members: 1:30 p.m. – 4 p.m.
Not in New York? E-mail a recent photo and contact info to sexandthecity2@gwcnyc.com.

I’m going to try to stop by during my lunch break…

the things i fear the most keep me here to stay

So I forgot to mention that I was going away this weekend to Lavallette, NJ. I’m an over-packer and considering that I travel all the time (or it seems like it), I managed to forget my BlackBerry charger… among other things. I managed to pack five dresses, a pair of jean shorts, a t-shirt, two tank tops, and Soffe shorts… and one bathing suit. HAHA I’m pretty much a mess.

So because of my drunk packing I turned off my BlackBerry for the entire trip. Well, I turned it on two times to let my parents know that I was a dumbass and I wasn’t dead. But other than that, it was probably the most relaxing and calming thing ever. Reality EVERYONE would just have to wait. I wasn’t going to respond to any texts until I got back home. And for once in my life, I didn’t take my phone anywhere with me that weekend.

I’m a little sunburnt, but nothing too bad. It was well worth the trip. It was nice to just relax. No ridiculous plans or anything major to do or anyone special to see. One of my friends had texted me earlier on Friday asking what I wanted to do that night or for the weekend and I just replied, “Watch the sunset.” I was running away from New York City and everything. But honestly, who the hell is stupid enough to want to leave? I don’t know.

We went to the boardwalk and I spent $10 playing random arcade games. It was surprisingly fun doing childish things and not having to be all about “getting wasted” and random college shit like that. Speaking of that, I started reading Smashed by Koren Zailckas. I got into a couple pages and basically passed out on the beach, but I know the author was a Theta at Syracuse and although I found the first two pages to be trying too hard and pushing it… it soon moved into something more relatable… the part about girls wanting to drink just to get drunk. Zailckas makes an observation in the beginning of the book that when people start to “go off the track” is the age that they most emulate. Sometime like adults still thinking they’re 12 years old or still carrying around stuffed animals. I don’t even remember the right comparison or argument, but I just know that stuck with me.

And sort of explained this weekend. I think despite me wanting to grow up and move out on my own, I’m still a baby and still am a child who wants to bike around and do all the things that I didn’t get to do while growing up. I guess that’s when I decided to pass out on the beach. But, speaking about sleeping this weekend. I SLEPT A LOT. I didn’t go to bed in the morning. Let’s just say that and I woke up on my own accord. No alarm clock or anything. Yes, when I’m back “home” I still have a Saturday and Sunday alarm clock.

It was a great weekend. And something I needed. My neck is really fucking sore, but let’s not get into that.

If only we made 5,000 in real monies… I can’t wait to go to Vegas!

who could really blame you

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. – John Lennon

One of my Lehigh roommates wrote this on my Facebook wall earlier today. And despite my over-anal tendencies, she’s totally right. Caitlin, my glamorous New York City friend, wrote in her Tumblr earlier this month, “I am so not one to make plans. I make plans and 5 seconds later break them. It’s pretty bad.” If you ever look at my planner, I keep a detailed day-to-day record of everything I “have” to do. Different color pens, highlighters, the whole works… a lot of scribbles. Obligations, events, to-do lists, etc. What can I say? I would be a wreck without that AND my BlackBerry. I like to know what is going on, when, where, and most importantly, who else is going.

However, most of the time I use that as a general guidance for what I might do. You know, the possibilities for the night… Nothing’s definitely set in stone, but there’s always a plan C if you need to resort to it. Though, lately it’s been more like I’ve been trying to stray away from going here and there because it will be good for networking or the “right people” will also be there, or it will be great for my blog.

When I first started really blogging (and actually taking it seriously) on Of Vice and Men my friends didn’t get the concept of blogs. “Why would you stop what you’re doing to take a photo and post it?” “Why don’t you just live?” “Why do you want people to know what you’re doing and thinking 24/7?” Truth is, they were good questions… and I didn’t necessarily know the answer to their judging comments. I wasn’t living my life for anyone else but myself. I didn’t care if anyone was reading Trash”E” and Talk when I was still writing there in high school/beg of college. But, I managed to gain a following with it (including my RIDICULOUSLY HOT AUSTRALIAN LEHIGH ECONOMICS PROFESSOR). It was the writing. My readers didn’t impact my decisions or what I thought.

They still don’t.

I’d have to admit, this past year, I’d attend more events and try to fill up my schedule for my readers. Hell, I was getting free champagne!!!, but it probably wasn’t the best thing for me.

I think the thing is. I have to learn to stop trying to control every aspect of my life. You know? Trying to shape it into how I imagine it. Trying to manipulate? the various relationships I have to what I expect them to be, and getting hurt and/or annoying when they fall short, or when I manage to drive guys that care away because I’m basically psycho and don’t know what I want. Or stressing out by trying to plan out my future career because I’m terrified of not making something of myself.

I just have to take things as they come and stop making plans.

This is getting longer than I want. So I’ll leave it at that. But, trust me, this will be reevaluated soon.

every move i make feels lost with no direction

I’m not sure how long this blogging every day is going to pan out, but I figure since I failed so badly with my previous attempt with YBF, I’ll just try to break down each day every night and take some time for myself to “relax”–wow I don’t think that word was ever in my vocabulary. So, I guess this is it? Or something. Perhaps I just need time to digest, sit back, and look at my life and blogging lets me know it’s not THAT crazy.

Today was all work. Had a Balenciaga clinic bright and early where I met the U.S. sales executive and wholesale coordinator. I was helping them sort out the fall collection and although I had to leave and run to another meeting, I decided to “be a New York City gal” and just ask for their business cards. I don’t know why (well, I actually know why), but it’s always kind of sketchy since I’m just an intern and I’m never sure if doing that is “kosher” or not. I was getting ready to leave (coincidence that I was carrying my Balenciaga city bag) and debating whether to ask or not. Anyways, I did. Quickly explained I was an intern, going to be a senior at Lehigh, and was keeping my options open and trying to narrow down where I wanted to work, and Balenciaga was def very high on my list. She was so sweet, gave me her card and told me to e-mail my resume and she’d pass it along.

Following that I had a meeting with the BG HR manager. We discussed my last day–which is August 18 for anyone still in the city–and I had some questions about the interview/job process. One of the reasons why I’m so jealous of my friends who are interning for Goldman, JP Morgan, E&Y, Deutsche Bank, KPMG, etc. is that after their summer internships they’re basically guaranteed a job after graduation pending they don’t fuck up. That isn’t the case in fashion. With the shitty economy and companies trying to cut back with hiring freezes, I’m always thinking slash freaking out about graduating in May. I need to get a job. But, the meeting went well. I have to pass this retail math assessment in order to be considered for assistant buying positions. Eck!

Later that day I was privileged to meet Bergorf’s VP of PR and special events where I chatted about BG and its use of social media (Facebook, Twitter, etc). I suggested that they start using Twitter as a media and somehow we got to the convo where she suggested that I meet so-and-so and have brainstorming session. Obviously I was like FREAKING OUT. Then I thought, wouldn’t it be baller to be a social media specialist or consultant to BG. Uhm, can I invent my own job position? haha We also got to talking about how crazy busy it is in September in regards to special events and everything and I suggested that I’d love to help out and do whatever I could. I guess Fridays/Saturdays? Let me say, she was THRILLED to hear that.

Crazy, boring update. But, today was a great day.